National March for Life and Pro-life Conference 2017

I was honoured to have been invited to be one of the guest speakers at the NAL conference in Durban 3 weeks ago, a conference organized by Doctors for Life with the intention of uniting South African pro-lifers, pro-life activists and pro-life organizations. I shared my testimony and personal experience of being in a crisis pregnancy and spoke about the importance of knowing the locations of the local crisis pregnancy centres and baby safe boxes in the local community and around South Africa so that women who are in a crisis can be given options- options other than abortion. Because let's face it, the culture of the time we live in pushes the abortion agenda as the solution to crisis pregnancy and abortion is so easily available since the legalization of abortion 20 years ago.



Most people know where their local abortion providers are but not where their local crisis pregnancy centres are located, so if we are truly going to make a change and live a proactive pro-life lifestyle then we need to do more than just tell women in crisis not to go through with abortion- but actually help them and walk a road with them and present them with better options. 
I believe with all my heart that women deserve BETTER than abortion and if abortion is about women's rights then women deserve a better solution to crisis pregnancy; a solution that is not destructive or damaging to a woman's physical and mental health.

Study after study shows that abortion increases the risk of breast cancer by up to 30% and that abortion can cause future infertility problems.
Post abortive psychological conditions include PTSD, depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders and self harm tendencies. 
I doubt very much than any woman WANTS to abandon their baby or have their baby aborted- both abortion and baby abandonment are desperate acts that come from a place of feeling like there was no other choice and no other way out.

I also shared about the baby abandonment crisis in South Africa and tried to raise awareness around the shocking statistics that show that up to 63% of the babies abandoned in rubbish bins and drains and fields are in fact botched 3rd trimester abortions. Women and girls in crisis need to be educated and informed that the posters and stickers found on lamp-posts and rubbish bins that promise a safe and painless abortion are dangerous and illegal.

The conference was held at the Gateway Church in Mt Edgecombe and I got to meet such inspiring and influential people: 
Xolani Klaas, a pastor who was conceived out of rape, shared his story of how his mother was encouraged to abort him but refused. He shared his story of how he struggled with his identity because he did not know who his father was. His turning point came when he realized that his Father is in fact the Father of the universe and his name Xolani, means to be still. 

"He says 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

A gynecologist who is one of the board members of Doctors for Life shared her experience of being a pro-life gynecologist dealing with the issue of patients asking her to perform abortions and how she tries to encourage life to expectant mothers in crisis.

Pastor Rusty Thomas, an American pastor from Texas who preaches the pro-life message, shared his convictions and preached about the spiritual aspect of abortion and what the Bible says about abortion and child sacrifice. It was a powerful and thought provoking message. Rusty is also the national director of Operation Rescue/ Operation Save America.

I got to meet so many amazing people, each one making an impact in their local community; preachers, crisis pregnancy help-line facilitators, Doctors for Life employees and volunteers, and those involved in local Christian radio stations. 

The conference was actually on the same day as my birthday, which is also Dominics birthday- he turned 8 and I turned 31 and it was so exciting to be doing what I love so dearly: human rights activism for the little humans on the other side of the womb, on my birthday! 
I am also so grateful that we got to spend our special day in beautiful Durban as it is our favorite destination in South Africa because of the lovely weather and natural beauty but also because Ashley and I met in Durban and are both from Durban, so Durban has some sentimental and nostalgic value for us too.
Ashley took the children to the bird park and to Essenwood flea market while I was at the conference and afterwards we went for a long walk on the beach and got pizza and milkshakes to celebrate our special day together as family.

Since my near death experience of almost dying after childbirth because of undiagnosed placenta accreta and almost bleeding out completely, I am very emotional on the birthdays of the people I love most because the reality is not lost to me that I was almost not here to celebrate these days with my husband and children.

I am at a loss of words to express just how grateful I am to still be here and the gratitude overwhelms me daily.

On Sunday 1 October we went to the beach again and Ashley and the kids swam in the ocean while Quade and I played in the sand. Because we live in Cape Town, my children don't get to swim in the ocean too often as it is too cold, so this was such a treat for them and they loved every minute of it!
At 2pm we headed to Gateway shopping centre to the National March for Life. 

This march is the only national pro-life march here in South Africa, where people from all over South Africa come to join in unity and stand up for the rights of the most vulnerable person in our society; the unborn.

There were around 900 people who attended the March and Pastor Rusty, Pastor Klaas and I got to make a speech at the beginning of the march.

We marched around Gateway shopping centre and over the Millennium bridge. The march did disrupt traffic and there were mixed reactions from the onlookers- some people would hoot and cheer- others would shake their heads and refuse the pro-life literature and pamphlets that were being handed out.





The march was so well organized that there were even water stations where marchers could get a drink of water as Durban is very hot and humid in October and it didn't take long before we felt very thirsty and hot!

It made me feel so proud to be an activist for the human rights of the unborn as we marched side by side, with the passion and love for the unborn as our mutual reason for marching.

If you are passionate about pro-life and are wanting to connect and network with other pro-lifer activists and organizations I strongly encourage you to attend the NAL conference next year. The NAL annual conference takes place on the first Saturday of October and the annual National March For Life takes place on the first Sunday of October at 2:30pm outside the Gateway Shopping Centre. I also want to encourage and urge people to come to the march and stand together and take a stand for the rights of the unborn!

Contact Doctors for Life for more information.

I look forward to the conference and march next year!

My visit to The New Life Centre:

I had the great honor of hanging out with Rennie Joubert and getting to hear her story last Saturday. Rennie, 74, a retired accountant, runs the New Life Centre - a Christian centre in Belleville Cape Town that accommodates women in crisis pregnancy - with her husband Wietz Joubert, 78.

Not only is she the house mother of the New Life Centre but also does spiritual counselling with the ladies at the New Life Centre, and has even delivered 3 of the babies who were born at the home!

There have been 445 adoptions, 176 women who chose to be single parents, 1 miscarriage, 3 phantom pregnancies and 4 still-born or babies who died shortly after birth at the centre over the past 20 years.

I asked her some questions about the home:

How many years has the home been running and how many women have been accommodated by the New Life Centre?

The home started 20 years ago, the same year that abortion was legalized, and over the years there have been 629 girls and women pass through the home. The youngest girl was just 11 years old and the oldest 42 years old. The home can accommodate 10 ladies at a time although, if the home is full, we pull out mattresses and the ladies sleep on the floor.

How much does it cost to run this home each month?

Around R25 000 a month for the running of the home, petrol and medical costs.

Do these women receive medical care from the government?

Yes. The women give birth at Karl Bremer Hospital and we have had a very positive experience over the years with this hospital. Dr Deal at Durbanville Medi Clinic does scans for us free of charge. Most of the ladies give birth naturally and there have been 3 births at the home as the ladies did not get to the hospital in time, so I delivered 3 of the babies myself, and one of them was breech!

Where do you receive your money from each month?

It really comes from God! The Ministry of the Belleville Methodist Church give us the house for free each month and some of the members assist with money and groceries each month. We also receive money from The Community Chest.

What "qualifies" as a crisis for girls and women to come to the home and what does a "crisis" pregnancy mean?

Being homeless, being kicked out of the family home or shunned by the family, drug abuse, and girls and women not being emotionally ready to be a mother to the baby that they are carrying.
We do not discriminate and all women of all walks are welcomed. We have had atheist and Muslim ladies come to us as there are no crisis pregnancy centres in the Muslim communities.
Women who return a second time in a second crisis pregnancy are also not turned away but rather welcomed back. Our first priority is to try and unite the girls and women with their families.

Is the home very strict? Are girls and women allowed visitors?

No drugs or drinking is allowed and friends and relatives may visit but preferably not boyfriends. The girls rotate a chore list and take turns to cook and clean.

What is the road that you walk with the ladies if they choose to put the baby up for adoption?

The New Life Centre works with Pro Care so
the process is therefore a "private' adoption and the ladies can choose the family that will adopt their baby.
Once the mother has given birth to the baby she may see the baby and meet the baby if she wants to. The baby is then taken to the "baby room" while she recovers. The mother is encouraged to say good bye to the baby back at the home. The mother has 60 days to change her mind and keep her baby if she chooses to. In this time a Kangaroo mom will collect the baby with a court order. Post adoption agreement letters are decided between the social worker, the adoptive parents and the birth mother.
We try keep the ladies here as long as possible after the birth and we do post birth counselling.

I am under the impression that a private adoption is very expensive and this is often what puts many people off the idea of adopting privately. Is it true that a private adoption can cost up to R100 000?

No not at all! It works on a sliding scale and depends on your income. This allows anyone to adopt and it doesn't mean that because someone is very wealthy that they will necessarily be good parents and it would not be fair to lower income families who wish to adopt. 


Do girls receive any skills training while at the home?

Yes they do - they do a computer course and they learn to cook and clean. There is a lady who comes in to do antenatal classes with the ladies and a midwife who comes to see them at home as well.
A lady comes in to teach them to crochet and another lady comes to do guest house training with them.  We are currently looking for someone to train the ladies customer service skills, so someone who can commit an hour a week to the ladies in the home.

What are your needs and how can people get involved and support the home?

If there are specific skills that anyone feels that they can train the ladies in we would appreciate them volunteering their time. We will appreciate the donation of books, toiletries and clothes and financial donations are welcomed.



So as you can see Rennie and her husband are making a difference in South Africa, one crisis pregnancy at a time and Rennie says she wants to give God all the glory for the strength and grace He gives her.

If you would like to get involved in training the ladies or volunteering please contact Rennie and The New Life Centres bank account details are on their website.

If you know anyone who is in crisis pregnancy please share this information with them and encourage youth pastors and pastors to raise awareness and preach about the different crisis pregnancy centres in your area. 

Link to their website.

www.newlifecentre.co.za

To the girl/woman considering abortion:

I do not know who you are or how you got to this place of contemplating aborting your baby but please hear my story so that you can make an informed decision.

I was 14 years old but behaved like a 19 year old, doing things and going places that were not legal yet, and if my mother tried to stop me I would run away from home. I was an angry teenager acting out because I was sexually abused as a child and acting out because my father walked out on us. I was angry and out of control.
I began to notice that I was gaining weight on my stomach and wondered if I could be pregnant but reasoned that it would never happen to me.
I didn't want a baby so therefore, in my mind, I would not have a baby or become pregnant until I wanted to.
Nonetheless I took a pregnancy test and was shocked to learn that I was pregnant.

My boyfriend at the time (lets call him David) and I decided that we were both too young to become parents. He wanted to finish school, and I was convinced that I would be the worst mother on earth as I could hardly take care of myself, never mind a baby.
Neither of our families were financially well off, and my mother was a single mother so I reasoned that aborting my baby would be the best solution because neither of our families could afford a baby.

I made sure not to tell any of my friends so that no one would be able to talk me out of it.

On the day of my abortion I bunked school and my boyfriend had a motorbike to drive us to the clinic.
We arrived early, just after 8am, and I filled in the paper work. I used an alias name, the nurses didn't even ask for an I.D. An ultrasound was done to confirm the pregnancy and to see how far along I was. I was 14 weeks along. I remember seeing the little jellybean on the screen and hearing the heart beat. I remember thinking, "Get it out, just get this thing out of me!"

Next, the nurse took me to the next room and crushed up two tablets and stuck them deep inside of me. She explained that I would experience some cramping, and that we had to wait a few hours until the fetal tissue was ready to be removed. She never once called my baby a baby and when I asked her if the fetus would feel anything she told me that it would not because it wasn't fully developed yet.

So David and I went to the nearest shopping centre and walked around and had a milkshake while we waited for our baby to die. I had a few cramps but was convinced that I was doing the right thing. After all, this baby would be better off without me.

At midday we went back to the abortion clinic and I was given a hospital gown to change into. There were other women in the waiting room dressed in hospital gowns too, all lined up for there 'procedure', as the nurses called it.

One by one they went in, and all came out crying. No one said a word or comforted one another. Then it was my turn to go in.

Up until then I had managed to keep my head high and face brave, but when I lay on that bed and the next ultrasound was done, I started crying hysterically. It hit me. The reality of killing my own child hit me and it was too late to do anything about it.
I saw the jelly bean again on the screen but this time there was no heart beat, just silence.
My feet were put up in stirrups and the abortionist took a long needle and stuck it deep inside of me. The pain was overwhelming and I kicked at him and resisted and closed my legs. Angrily he said, "Do you want to die? If I don't suck her out you will die!" Her. It was a girl. "What other options do I have?" I asked. "You could go to the hospital but then your family will find out and I am guessing that you don't want that."

I opened my legs again and let him continue as hot tears streamed down my face.

I listened as the fetus was sucked out and heard the sound of the parts falling into the red waste bad that said "Human Waste.'' It sounded like mud being thrown onto a plastic bag.

I went back to the waiting room where the other women and girls sat but warm blood started streaming down my legs and the pain was unbearable. A nurse put a linen saver under my bum and I sat there, bleeding and cramping and weeping and feeling like the worst person on earth.

After the abortion I really struggled. I became so depressed that I wanted to sleep all day. I cried so much and it was all too much for David to handle. 
We broke up shortly after.

I met my husband and fell madly in love and married him when I was 19 and had my daughter when I was 20. When I held my daughter in my arms for the first time the guilt came back to haunt me. I was holding a baby. A baby. Like the one I disposed of.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression and put on medication but the guilt and dark thoughts never left me. I decided that the right thing for me to do was to commit suicide... my daughter deserved a better mother and my husband a better wife so it was the right thing to do. I would be doing them a favor.

So I wrote my suicide notes and wrote the hardest letter I have ever had to write, to my daughter....explaining why it would be better if i didn't stick around.
God knows I was going to do it. I had made up my mind that I was going to do it.
But in my dark moment of extreme desperation I called out to God and said "If you are real, please.... NOW would be a good time to reveal it!"

God revealed Himself to me and for the first time in my life I felt a supernatural peace that cannot be explained. Up until that point I had always felt so uneasy, so on edge, but that night I experienced peace. 

A friend who had been praying for me had given me a Bible and I stared reading it and as I asked questions in my mind the answers were appearing on the page! It was like I was having a conversation with God. Sounds crazy I know but this was my experience and it has changed me on such a deep level. I made the decision to become a Christian and asked God to help me live as I was not strong enough enough to do it alone.

I know what it feels like to be weak.
I know what it is like to feel so deadly alone and afraid.
I know what it is like to have no hope.
I have been there. I have experienced the overwhelming reality of being in a crisis pregnancy. I have suffered the loss of losing a baby girl to abortion to the point where I almost killed myself just to end the pain.

Abortion is not a quick fix. There is no quick fix once you are in a crisis pregnancy. The other roads and the other options will also have challenges but ask yourself this, what will you regret more? Abortion? Or choosing life for your baby?

There are many crisis pregnancy centers in our country but sadly girls and women do not know their options. Abortion is widely marketed as being a cheap, painless and easy procedure. Believe me, abortion is not cheap- it costs a life. Abortion is not painless and abortion is definitely not easy.
Please do your research before making the most difficult decision you may have to make in your life.

http://melissa-story.cvafr.com 

Hartenbos Aarendsfees Music Festival

I was invited to take part in the Hartenbos Aarendsfees Music Festival over the Easter weekend and how could I possibly refuse? 

Thanks to the amazing band that traveled from Cape Town and also played for Shannah and Andriette de la Harpe, I had the best stage support I could have asked for. 

With Deon Knipe playing bass guitar, Wikis Du Rand and Rudolph Müller on guitar and back up vocals, and Charlton Loff playing the drums, the stage was set!

I had the opportunity to have the stage on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning. On Sunday evening I spoke but didn’t sing again.

My EP was available to buy and I also sold some T-Shirts that I had printed. I sold Christian jewelry and all of the t-shirts sold!

Errol Naidoo from Salt and Light did an interview with me for his show and I shared my views on abortion and shared about how I am passionately pro-life after having an abortion when I was 14 years old. 

Errol was kind enough to have his camera crew record a live acoustic version of me singing my song Your Love and I am thankful for the favor.




It is a once in a lifetime opportunity to perform at Hartenbos and is something that I will treasure always to have had this privilege. 

Mom Jeans And The 4th trimester: Practical Tips On How To Survive The First 12 Weeks With Your Newborn:

I read on Pinterest that the latest fashion item to add to your wardrobe this season is the mom jean. It is a high waist, baggy, stiff denim jean that is comfortable and described on Urban Slang definition as "ugly" and is apparently worn by "cool girl hipsters."

Well I am not a cool girl and I am not a hipster, I am a mom of three awesome offspring, the youngest just two and a half months old, and I am just trying to survive the fourth trimester.  I wear my mom jean because I don't actually have a choice but to wear it; my skinny jeans and pre-pregnacy clothes are too small and my maternity clothes too big, and the bonus is that because the jeans have a high cut waist, I can hide my muffin top and flabby tummy.

So dear fashion and trend experts, the mom jean is in fact more than the latest trend, is it actually an essential survival tool for the fourth trimester! 

Here are some tips and tricks that have really helped me survive the fourth trimester while wearing my apparently fashionable mom jean:

1. Nest like a beast! 

Put that crazy amount of energy that you have in the last trimester to good use and indulge in sorting every cupboard and shelf.

When baby is born you will be glad you did!

2. Simplify

I made a point to give away any furniture and clothes, shoes, crockery, kitchen appliances, books and magazines that I have not used/worn in the last 6 months.

clutter.creates.confusion.and.mess.and.stress.

3. Only buy the baby stuff you really need!

You don't need all that fancy stuff that the baby magazine is trying to sell you!
Ask friends and family what they thought were essential items, but as a breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing Mama I don't think that you need that much "stuff" for baby!

4. Invest in a "work easy" kitchen 

Invest in a slow cooker, a dishwasher, a food processor, a set of good quality knives, a good quality set of pots and pans and a chest freezer and I promise you your time in the kitchen will be revolutionized when preparing meals.

5. Cook in bulk

When I was in my second trimester I started experimenting with different foods and would freeze small portions of left overs to see what foods freeze well and what foods don't.
I started cooking double portions of supper to freeze, and when I felt braver I would cook a weeks worth of dinners on a Sunday afternoon. When I was in my last trimester a friend of mine came to teach me how to cook a months worth of dinners in one day and it has literally changed my life. Less stress. Less dishes. Less work. More time to spend with my precious little one. 

Before and after: Dinner for a month!

Doing my once a month cook day while
baby Quade breastfeeds in the baby wrap.

6. Get help with the housework

Whether it's buying a dishwasher, getting a cleaning service or full time nanny or sending your laundry to the laundromat, just spend that little bit of extra money and get help with the housework. Don't let housework rob you of this short time with your precious newborn.

7. Online shopping

Especially for the c-section Mamas who can't drive for a few weeks after!

8. Learn to shop wisely 
Going to the shops every day is a waste of time and energy, especially if you can learn how to shop once a month. I buy my toiletries, cleaning products and shelf life foods once a month and buy them in bulk, and buy milk and bread and fruit and veggies once a week. The milk and bread go in the chest freezer and I use the veggies that will spoil quicker first, and use the veggies that can last longer at the end of the week. I plan my meals for the week and I do not leave the house without my shopping list when going to the shops!
I also believe that you save money by going to the shops less, not only on petrol, but because you won't buy unnecessary items during unnecessary trips to the shop!

9. Eat and get dressed as soon as you wake up
Because before you know it, it is 2pm and you are still in your pjs and have not eaten anything yet!

10. Vitamins 
Because you need to look after yourself Mama.

11. Co-sleep

It makes practical sense and is so special too!
Studies also show it has positive health and psychological benefits for baby.

12. Skin on skin
Helps with the milk supply and helps calm a niggly baby.

13. Baby wearing
Let me guess... Your baby cries when you put him/her down? This is totally normal! Seriously, stop fighting it. Just wear your baby and problem solved.

14. Don't try on your skinny jeans! 

It will make you feel fat and sad. Wait until at least 8 weeks!

15. Invest in games/Lego for the other kids

We banned devices in our home so we invested in board games and a few sets of Lego before the birth for moments when I am busy with Baby and the older two need something to do. Money well spent!

16. They say sleep when baby sleeps but rather have an early night

Especially if you have older children who need your attention. Spend some quality alone time with the older ones when baby sleeps. And every hour of sleep before midnight is apparently worth 4 hours of rest for your brain and body.

17. Pack the car and baby bag the night before 
I also draw money and put petrol in my car the day before I am going somewhere to avoid stress.

18. You can kuier in a little bit 

Braais, dinners, family lunches can wait. Unless it is an easy dinner or at someone else's house don't work like a slave to entertain when your baby is so small.

19. This is only a season! 

Deep breath. The crying will become less.

20. Laugh about it 
Don't take yourself too seriously! 

21. Pray for the strength and capacity to get through today.
One day at a time!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. Matthew 6:34 

22. Rock those mom jeans unapologetically! 

Stop trying to be so damn perfect and just be you. Be real and raw and vulnerable because it is okay to feel like your world has been turned upside down. In fact you are meant to feel that way because every baby deserves that honor! ;)
I let my daughter see the truth of motherhood, because someday when she has children, I don't want her to feel that she has to have it all together. I want her to have a realistic expectation of what it will be like someday. 

So if you have some paint and baby spit up on your jeans... So what.

Wipe it off, put your comfy sneakers on, put some lipstick on, wear your baby wrap and rock this fourth trimester look Mama! You were born to do this! 

11 Things I have learned in 11 years of marriage:

1. It doesn't matter how young or old you are when you marry....
My husband was 25 and I was 18 when we got married. In today's time that is young to marry because many people first want to be secure in their job and complete their studies before tying the knot. And I get that.
I will admit that marrying young meant that we were really poor for the first two or three years, but there was something special about eating scrambled eggs for dinner most nights and counting our pennies that made us grow closer together... we shared that difficult time, and we shared it together. 
There are pros and cons to marrying young as well as pros and cons to marrying later in life. Marrying young did not mean the end of my freedom because we did life together.
It meant that I got to do life freely with someone by my side.

2. Your partner is not meant to complete you...
If you think that marrying your best friend is going to complete you and make you happy for the rest of your life, think again. No person, or amount of people could ever possibly fill the hole in our hearts because it was put there by God to only ever be filled by God. Only He can complete us because He is the missing puzzle piece, and until we seek Him, find Him and are filled with Him, we will not be complete. People will unfortunately all eventually disappoint us because we are flawed in our nature.

3. Date nights/days day needs to be a priority...
Dear husband, date your wife, buy her sexy underwear and perfume and chocolates and not only on Valentines day!
Dear wife, wear the sexy underwear and flirt with your man!
And if date nights are too hectic take a date day and go for a hike and explore, without the kids and try not to talk about the kids either.
Make your partner feel special and desired and keep the spark alive and have fun!






4. Affection breeds affection
Did you know that in the first two years of being in love the love horemone oxyticin is at its highest?
As time passes oxytocin lessens and this is often when people say they no longer "feel" in love. It is usually at this point where many couples decide to separate as they don't feel "in love" any more and therefore think something is wrong. Nothing is wrong and this is totally normal! The good news is that sex, cuddling and eye contact all increase the oxytocin levels in the brain, so the more you kiss and cuddle, the more you will want to kiss and cuddle.
Love moves from being "in love" to a deeper, more unconditional love and becomes a choice and so much more than just a feeling.

5. Friendships and relationships with your family change.
And that's okay. They are meant to.
My high school friendships changed when I married my husband because, well, I was no longer in high school. My relationships with my family changed slightly,because marrying my husband meant that he became my family. I do believe that your spouse is meant to come before friends on the priority list and any friendship that is not good for your marriage needs to end as unfortunately friends come and go and friendships are sometimes only for a season, marriage is a life time.

Matthew 19;5-6

'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

6. Your spouse will change and this also okay and also to be expected.
This is probably the most popular phrase I have heard people mutter about why they are no longer in a relationship with someone. And yes it is true, people do change. But we are humans and not rocks, so we are constantly changing and adapting, learning and growing, and thank God for that or life would be so boring! I am absolutely not the person that I was 10 years ago, neither is Ashley the person now who was once was.... 
We have grown up together and what a relief that is! 
The mission: To grow together and not apart.

7.God needs to be the centre of the marriage...
It is easy to become so completely consumed with our spouse and put God second, maybe even third on the list. But the closer we move to God the closer we move to our spouse.
I need to ask myself constantly, what would Christ do in this situation and how would He react in this situation? I need to forgive and love my husband for all his mistakes and have grace with him, the same way that Christ has grace with me. The relationship between husband and wife has given me a deeper understanding of how Christ loves the Church.

  

So your wife bought the wrong toilet paper and your husband forgot the gate open after he left for work. Is it really worth fighting about? We all make mistakes and are only human!
Choose your battles and realize that being right is not the most important thing in the world.

8. Children simply cannot be the centre of a marriage.
In fact having a baby will be a huge stressor to a marriage that is already having troubles.
Add different opinions, ideas and convictions regarding child rearing, discipline and education, and throw some blurred parental roles and expectations to the mix and things can get complicated and messy.
And yes a bundle of joy is a huge blessing, but a bundle of joy shouldn't be used to "glue' and mend holes in a relationship. That is just way to much pressure for a bundle of joy.

8. You need to be your own person and not just somebody's husband/wife
Marry someone who you can be yourself with and who won't try to mould you into their idea of who you should be. Your spouse should be your mentor and person you look up to, but God created you to be you, with all the quirks in between, and we should find our identity in Christ. I have seen men take scripture about female submission in the Bible and use it to manipulate women and control them, and strip them of all identity. Your spouse should encourage you to be the best version of you without changing the essence of who you are. This of course does not mean that you can use your flaws as an excuse to behave badly!

10. Go to marriage counselling 
And don't only go when you are having problems.
I am a huge fan of counselling and seeing a psychologist as I see it as a tool for helping me become a better version of myself. My psychologist is a Christian lady (I do feel it is very important to see a believer as the advice/methods will be from a Christian world view) and I am unashamed to admit that I see a therapist now and then. There is such a negative stigma attached to seeing a psychologist.... 
It does not mean that I am crazy or that Jesus did not heal my heart properly! 
Psychotheraphy has helped me understand myself and others so much better and I find it to be so empowering to go and speak to someone!
We recently saw our psychologist for trauma counselling after the traumatic experience after the birth of our son and it helped me so much to "process" my emotions with someone professional in a "safe" environment.
Our psychologist taught us how to communicate effectively and I love going to see her and insist that my husband and I should see her for follow ups once a year, just to talk and process and reflect.
Don't talk about your marriage problems to your friends or family or complain about your spouse (rather see a counsellor or speak to your pastor) because it is easy for you to forgive and forget the mistakes your partner makes, but over time your friends and family will dislike your spouse and lose respect for him/her and this too will cause them to give biased advice that may not be healthy for your marriage.
And anyways, its not right to discuss and gossip and complain about our spouses, I would be very hurt if i found out that my husband was complaining about me to his golf buddies!

11. Marriage is hard work. And if it is not hard work then you are doing it wrong.
It requires constant sacrifice, for the other person to be comfortable and feel loved and supported and encouraged, and requires putting someone else's wants and needs before your own...Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you must be a slave with no dignity.
Clear boundaries and respect and consideration for your partner need to be a healthy balance. And it works both ways of course. We do not have a perfect marriage, and do not have a perfect family, but hey, its those quirks that makes us who we are: The unconventional, quirky, colorful and very very noisy, happy Hertz family! 

What lessons have you learnt about marriage? I would love to hear your experiences and thoughts!