Hartenbos Aarendsfees Music Festival

I was invited to take part in the Hartenbos Aarendsfees Music Festival over the Easter weekend and how could I possibly refuse? 

Thanks to the amazing band that traveled from Cape Town and also played for Shannah and Andriette de la Harpe, I had the best stage support I could have asked for. 

With Deon Knipe playing bass guitar, Wikis Du Rand and Rudolph Müller on guitar and back up vocals, and Charlton Loff playing the drums, the stage was set!

I had the opportunity to have the stage on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning. On Sunday evening I spoke but didn’t sing again.

My EP was available to buy and I also sold some T-Shirts that I had printed. I sold Christian jewelry and all of the t-shirts sold!

Errol Naidoo from Salt and Light did an interview with me for his show and I shared my views on abortion and shared about how I am passionately pro-life after having an abortion when I was 14 years old. 

Errol was kind enough to have his camera crew record a live acoustic version of me singing my song Your Love and I am thankful for the favor.




It is a once in a lifetime opportunity to perform at Hartenbos and is something that I will treasure always to have had this privilege. 

Mom Jeans And The 4th trimester: Practical Tips On How To Survive The First 12 Weeks With Your Newborn:

I read on Pinterest that the latest fashion item to add to your wardrobe this season is the mom jean. It is a high waist, baggy, stiff denim jean that is comfortable and described on Urban Slang definition as "ugly" and is apparently worn by "cool girl hipsters."

Well I am not a cool girl and I am not a hipster, I am a mom of three awesome offspring, the youngest just two and a half months old, and I am just trying to survive the fourth trimester.  I wear my mom jean because I don't actually have a choice but to wear it; my skinny jeans and pre-pregnacy clothes are too small and my maternity clothes too big, and the bonus is that because the jeans have a high cut waist, I can hide my muffin top and flabby tummy.

So dear fashion and trend experts, the mom jean is in fact more than the latest trend, is it actually an essential survival tool for the fourth trimester! 

Here are some tips and tricks that have really helped me survive the fourth trimester while wearing my apparently fashionable mom jean:

1. Nest like a beast! 

Put that crazy amount of energy that you have in the last trimester to good use and indulge in sorting every cupboard and shelf.

When baby is born you will be glad you did!

2. Simplify

I made a point to give away any furniture and clothes, shoes, crockery, kitchen appliances, books and magazines that I have not used/worn in the last 6 months.

clutter.creates.confusion.and.mess.and.stress.

3. Only buy the baby stuff you really need!

You don't need all that fancy stuff that the baby magazine is trying to sell you!
Ask friends and family what they thought were essential items, but as a breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing Mama I don't think that you need that much "stuff" for baby!

4. Invest in a "work easy" kitchen 

Invest in a slow cooker, a dishwasher, a food processor, a set of good quality knives, a good quality set of pots and pans and a chest freezer and I promise you your time in the kitchen will be revolutionized when preparing meals.

5. Cook in bulk

When I was in my second trimester I started experimenting with different foods and would freeze small portions of left overs to see what foods freeze well and what foods don't.
I started cooking double portions of supper to freeze, and when I felt braver I would cook a weeks worth of dinners on a Sunday afternoon. When I was in my last trimester a friend of mine came to teach me how to cook a months worth of dinners in one day and it has literally changed my life. Less stress. Less dishes. Less work. More time to spend with my precious little one. 

Before and after: Dinner for a month!

Doing my once a month cook day while
baby Quade breastfeeds in the baby wrap.

6. Get help with the housework

Whether it's buying a dishwasher, getting a cleaning service or full time nanny or sending your laundry to the laundromat, just spend that little bit of extra money and get help with the housework. Don't let housework rob you of this short time with your precious newborn.

7. Online shopping

Especially for the c-section Mamas who can't drive for a few weeks after!

8. Learn to shop wisely 
Going to the shops every day is a waste of time and energy, especially if you can learn how to shop once a month. I buy my toiletries, cleaning products and shelf life foods once a month and buy them in bulk, and buy milk and bread and fruit and veggies once a week. The milk and bread go in the chest freezer and I use the veggies that will spoil quicker first, and use the veggies that can last longer at the end of the week. I plan my meals for the week and I do not leave the house without my shopping list when going to the shops!
I also believe that you save money by going to the shops less, not only on petrol, but because you won't buy unnecessary items during unnecessary trips to the shop!

9. Eat and get dressed as soon as you wake up
Because before you know it, it is 2pm and you are still in your pjs and have not eaten anything yet!

10. Vitamins 
Because you need to look after yourself Mama.

11. Co-sleep

It makes practical sense and is so special too!
Studies also show it has positive health and psychological benefits for baby.

12. Skin on skin
Helps with the milk supply and helps calm a niggly baby.

13. Baby wearing
Let me guess... Your baby cries when you put him/her down? This is totally normal! Seriously, stop fighting it. Just wear your baby and problem solved.

14. Don't try on your skinny jeans! 

It will make you feel fat and sad. Wait until at least 8 weeks!

15. Invest in games/Lego for the other kids

We banned devices in our home so we invested in board games and a few sets of Lego before the birth for moments when I am busy with Baby and the older two need something to do. Money well spent!

16. They say sleep when baby sleeps but rather have an early night

Especially if you have older children who need your attention. Spend some quality alone time with the older ones when baby sleeps. And every hour of sleep before midnight is apparently worth 4 hours of rest for your brain and body.

17. Pack the car and baby bag the night before 
I also draw money and put petrol in my car the day before I am going somewhere to avoid stress.

18. You can kuier in a little bit 

Braais, dinners, family lunches can wait. Unless it is an easy dinner or at someone else's house don't work like a slave to entertain when your baby is so small.

19. This is only a season! 

Deep breath. The crying will become less.

20. Laugh about it 
Don't take yourself too seriously! 

21. Pray for the strength and capacity to get through today.
One day at a time!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. Matthew 6:34 

22. Rock those mom jeans unapologetically! 

Stop trying to be so damn perfect and just be you. Be real and raw and vulnerable because it is okay to feel like your world has been turned upside down. In fact you are meant to feel that way because every baby deserves that honor! ;)
I let my daughter see the truth of motherhood, because someday when she has children, I don't want her to feel that she has to have it all together. I want her to have a realistic expectation of what it will be like someday. 

So if you have some paint and baby spit up on your jeans... So what.

Wipe it off, put your comfy sneakers on, put some lipstick on, wear your baby wrap and rock this fourth trimester look Mama! You were born to do this! 

11 Things I have learned in 11 years of marriage:

1. It doesn't matter how young or old you are when you marry....
My husband was 25 and I was 18 when we got married. In today's time that is young to marry because many people first want to be secure in their job and complete their studies before tying the knot. And I get that.
I will admit that marrying young meant that we were really poor for the first two or three years, but there was something special about eating scrambled eggs for dinner most nights and counting our pennies that made us grow closer together... we shared that difficult time, and we shared it together. 
There are pros and cons to marrying young as well as pros and cons to marrying later in life. Marrying young did not mean the end of my freedom because we did life together.
It meant that I got to do life freely with someone by my side.

2. Your partner is not meant to complete you...
If you think that marrying your best friend is going to complete you and make you happy for the rest of your life, think again. No person, or amount of people could ever possibly fill the hole in our hearts because it was put there by God to only ever be filled by God. Only He can complete us because He is the missing puzzle piece, and until we seek Him, find Him and are filled with Him, we will not be complete. People will unfortunately all eventually disappoint us because we are flawed in our nature.

3. Date nights/days day needs to be a priority...
Dear husband, date your wife, buy her sexy underwear and perfume and chocolates and not only on Valentines day!
Dear wife, wear the sexy underwear and flirt with your man!
And if date nights are too hectic take a date day and go for a hike and explore, without the kids and try not to talk about the kids either.
Make your partner feel special and desired and keep the spark alive and have fun!






4. Affection breeds affection
Did you know that in the first two years of being in love the love horemone oxyticin is at its highest?
As time passes oxytocin lessens and this is often when people say they no longer "feel" in love. It is usually at this point where many couples decide to separate as they don't feel "in love" any more and therefore think something is wrong. Nothing is wrong and this is totally normal! The good news is that sex, cuddling and eye contact all increase the oxytocin levels in the brain, so the more you kiss and cuddle, the more you will want to kiss and cuddle.
Love moves from being "in love" to a deeper, more unconditional love and becomes a choice and so much more than just a feeling.

5. Friendships and relationships with your family change.
And that's okay. They are meant to.
My high school friendships changed when I married my husband because, well, I was no longer in high school. My relationships with my family changed slightly,because marrying my husband meant that he became my family. I do believe that your spouse is meant to come before friends on the priority list and any friendship that is not good for your marriage needs to end as unfortunately friends come and go and friendships are sometimes only for a season, marriage is a life time.

Matthew 19;5-6

'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

6. Your spouse will change and this also okay and also to be expected.
This is probably the most popular phrase I have heard people mutter about why they are no longer in a relationship with someone. And yes it is true, people do change. But we are humans and not rocks, so we are constantly changing and adapting, learning and growing, and thank God for that or life would be so boring! I am absolutely not the person that I was 10 years ago, neither is Ashley the person now who was once was.... 
We have grown up together and what a relief that is! 
The mission: To grow together and not apart.

7.God needs to be the centre of the marriage...
It is easy to become so completely consumed with our spouse and put God second, maybe even third on the list. But the closer we move to God the closer we move to our spouse.
I need to ask myself constantly, what would Christ do in this situation and how would He react in this situation? I need to forgive and love my husband for all his mistakes and have grace with him, the same way that Christ has grace with me. The relationship between husband and wife has given me a deeper understanding of how Christ loves the Church.

  

So your wife bought the wrong toilet paper and your husband forgot the gate open after he left for work. Is it really worth fighting about? We all make mistakes and are only human!
Choose your battles and realize that being right is not the most important thing in the world.

8. Children simply cannot be the centre of a marriage.
In fact having a baby will be a huge stressor to a marriage that is already having troubles.
Add different opinions, ideas and convictions regarding child rearing, discipline and education, and throw some blurred parental roles and expectations to the mix and things can get complicated and messy.
And yes a bundle of joy is a huge blessing, but a bundle of joy shouldn't be used to "glue' and mend holes in a relationship. That is just way to much pressure for a bundle of joy.

8. You need to be your own person and not just somebody's husband/wife
Marry someone who you can be yourself with and who won't try to mould you into their idea of who you should be. Your spouse should be your mentor and person you look up to, but God created you to be you, with all the quirks in between, and we should find our identity in Christ. I have seen men take scripture about female submission in the Bible and use it to manipulate women and control them, and strip them of all identity. Your spouse should encourage you to be the best version of you without changing the essence of who you are. This of course does not mean that you can use your flaws as an excuse to behave badly!

10. Go to marriage counselling 
And don't only go when you are having problems.
I am a huge fan of counselling and seeing a psychologist as I see it as a tool for helping me become a better version of myself. My psychologist is a Christian lady (I do feel it is very important to see a believer as the advice/methods will be from a Christian world view) and I am unashamed to admit that I see a therapist now and then. There is such a negative stigma attached to seeing a psychologist.... 
It does not mean that I am crazy or that Jesus did not heal my heart properly! 
Psychotheraphy has helped me understand myself and others so much better and I find it to be so empowering to go and speak to someone!
We recently saw our psychologist for trauma counselling after the traumatic experience after the birth of our son and it helped me so much to "process" my emotions with someone professional in a "safe" environment.
Our psychologist taught us how to communicate effectively and I love going to see her and insist that my husband and I should see her for follow ups once a year, just to talk and process and reflect.
Don't talk about your marriage problems to your friends or family or complain about your spouse (rather see a counsellor or speak to your pastor) because it is easy for you to forgive and forget the mistakes your partner makes, but over time your friends and family will dislike your spouse and lose respect for him/her and this too will cause them to give biased advice that may not be healthy for your marriage.
And anyways, its not right to discuss and gossip and complain about our spouses, I would be very hurt if i found out that my husband was complaining about me to his golf buddies!

11. Marriage is hard work. And if it is not hard work then you are doing it wrong.
It requires constant sacrifice, for the other person to be comfortable and feel loved and supported and encouraged, and requires putting someone else's wants and needs before your own...Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you must be a slave with no dignity.
Clear boundaries and respect and consideration for your partner need to be a healthy balance. And it works both ways of course. We do not have a perfect marriage, and do not have a perfect family, but hey, its those quirks that makes us who we are: The unconventional, quirky, colorful and very very noisy, happy Hertz family! 

What lessons have you learnt about marriage? I would love to hear your experiences and thoughts!

Two of my songs chosen for the Fresh Album!!!

I am bursting with excitement because two of my songs, "Yahweh" and "Believe Me" have been chosen for the Fresh Album, a Christian compilation album featuring South African Christian artists. 

I am so honored to be on the same album as ELM, Andriette van der Harp, Neville D and Shannah!
Only God could make something like this possible.

"Fresh" will be sold at a CUM books store near you!

After birth pains

The night I almost died...

Dramatic title for a birth story isn't it? Well, technically an “after-birth story” because things only went wrong after the birth. The birth itself was real, raw, amazing and beautiful. No, I didn't title my story that to grab your attention or to make my story sound super sensational, but those were actually the words running through my mind as I was rushed to theatre after the birth of my son. Trust me, I rehearsed my birth story in my head many times before it actually happened and I was hoping to title it something sweet and probably very cheesy. I had imagined one of those beautiful calm Youtube home water births, (You know the ones where the mother sweetly stares into her newborn's eyes and there is no blood or pain, only happiness and peace. She then climbs into her own bed with her baby and they all live happily ever after.) Sadly, for me this was not to be. Instead, I was the poor helpless patient in a dramatic and very bloody episode of ER.

But this is all without context so let me rewind three years back….

On 23 November 2013, my husband, Ashley, baby proposed to me. Six months later we were still not pregnant and to cut a long story short, over the next year, I underwent three different surgeries to remove three different polyps that were preventing us from becoming pregnant.

But when things still didn’t happen I decided it was time to give up and reasoned that God probably wanted me to focus on ministry and my music career. Even though I wanted four children, it seemed that I was probably not meant to have another child.

However, God's ways and His timing are not mine. On 1 September 2015, after having no expectation of falling pregnant, we were absolutely overjoyed to discover that I was pregnant. 

        

                    

Except for morning sickness in the first trimester, and spotting until 16 weeks, I had a wonderful pregnancy. I made sure I ate well and worked out, I did hundreds of squats as I was told it makes for fast and easy labor. I ate dates and drank raspberry leaf tea in the last trimester, as this is meant to help the cervix soften and strengthen the uterus. I read all the books I could on home birth and natural birth after cesarean. I spent many hours researching the effects of natural birth on the baby and how the baby benefits from a drug-free natural birth. I was particularly influenced by a documentary called Microbirth that researches the effects that natural birth has on a baby's immune system.

I so desired a natural birth, with all its textures and in all its realness and rawness. However, I had two cesareans. The first one because my daughter was breech, and the second, because, well, my gyne said natural birth after cesarean is not an option. The danger with a natural birth after cesarean is that there is a 1% chance that the previous uterine scar can rupture. Small, teeny tiny chance but very few South African gynaecologists want to take the chance.

We were overjoyed to discover that we were expecting a son and chose to name him Quade (number four) because he is my fourth baby. I found a midwife and a doula who would support me and specifically asked God to take the burning desire to birth naturally away if it was not from Him. 

I created a Whatsapp prayer group months before my due date and asked close friends to pray for us and the birth. But, most importantly I myself spent hours in prayer, pleading with God and begging for a supernatural birth experience.

And that is exactly what I got…

I had my 36-week gyne appointment, my gyne told me he is not in favor of me having a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) as he said my uterus is too thin. So, I had a detailed scan with The Fetal Assessment Centre to check if there was anything to be concerned about before attempting at hbac2 (home birth after two cesareans.) Baby Quade's heart was checked at the detailed scan, and all seemed well with both of us for the birth.

Homebirth is in fact not as dangerous as it sounds and many women are choosing home birth over a hospital birth because of all the interventions in hospital, slow labor and make cesarean more likely to be the end result. The stress of being in a hospital and not in a familiar and safe environment, the bright hospital lights, the constant interruptions of nurses and doctors, as well as being strapped down to a bed and forced to labor lying down all increase the chance of a cesarean.

Studies show that home birth is as safe as a hospital birth when a qualified midwife is present.  

The danger comes in when there are undiagnosed complications like I had….

40 weeks came and Quade was still comfortable in utero and we were still at peace with our decision and on 8 May (Mothersday) at 9:30pm my water broke and I excitedly thought our little man would be born soon. The scene was set, birth box packed and birth space prepped. Labor lasted through the night, yet nothing happened. I went for a long walk the next day trying to "help" labor along, but contractions remained 15 minutes apart.

I continued to labor through the night on Monday and when I was examined on Tuesday morning I was 10cm dilated. I could feel Quade's head with my fingers, he was so near yet so far.

"It is well" by Bethel was my anthem during labor and the labor at home was amazing. (Still sore though!) My husband and I had many "God moments" of feeling such peace during the labor. It was amazing.

After another entire day of contractions being 15 minutes apart, my midwife told me at 9pm that I need to try and push with every contraction. I pushed for 4 long hours and still, my baby didn’t want to budge. It seemed so simple, if only he would push down on the pelvic floor, he would crown and he would be born! After 51 hours of labor, after hours of pain and lack of sleep, I sat in a warm bath trying to cope with sleep deprivation and pain, and my husband, with tears in his eyes said, “Please give up now. You tried and now it is time to give up.” I agreed it was time to get my baby out. Miraculously, not once, did Quade’s heartbeat show that he was in distress… I would often tell my son throughout the pregnancy and labor to be calm and trust God… And I believe this is why he never went into distress. There was no medical emergency, except that I was exhausted. We called my gynae and I had a hospital transfer. My husband drove me to the hospital and our doula Vania Truter met us there, and when the doctor arrived, he assisted me with a suction and episiotomy, as I was too exhausted to push and Quade didn’t want to crown. I had to have a drug free birth, as my baby was already almost there when we got to the hospital, and he would’ve been born before any medication could take effect.  At 2:20am on 11 May, Quade Fletcher Hertz was born, and it was a beautiful moment. God blessed me with the natural birth I so wanted… My husband cried beside me, we were so elated… we did it! We did it!!!

The gynae stitched me up, but then noticed that my placenta didn’t want to deliver, and when it did, it was in pieces. He realized something was wrong when the placenta wasn’t whole and I started to bleed. After already being stitched up, he now had to stick his entire hand back into me to see what was going on.  It was then that he realized that my uterus was busy inverting. I had placenta accreta, (the placenta had grown into the uterus, so when it was delivered the uterus turned inside out like a sock), and because of this, it needed to be “fixed” as soon as possible, resulting in the doctor having to literally fist my uterus back into position… repeatedly and forcefully, tearing the stitches open, in an attempt to save my life.  Bear in mind that I had a drug free birth, so this was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life, I can’t even describe it.

And then suddenly, I started to feel light-headed. I asked my doula who was still breastfeeding her own twin boys to please breastfeed my son for me, but due to hospital policy, she wasn’t able to. Thankfully she then managed to latch Quade and he was able to drink from me, while I began to go in and out of consciousness, slowly bleeding out. I would wake to my husband standing over me and crying, I could see the fear in his eyes, I could see the panic as nurses were running and rushing about, I could feel the blood pumping out of me. I then heard the nurses read out my husband’s ID no, and somehow, by some miracle, I suddenly realised that in all the confusion the hospital thought that I was Ashley…I managed to shout "I am B positive, and that is not my ID number, I am Melissa!"   I would have received the wrong blood type! As I was being rushed into theatre I prayed, "God you know Ashley needs me, I trust you, I trust that I won’t die".  I was still praying when the surgeon put his hand on me and said "She is ice cold, we are losing her.” I continued to pray, “I trust you Lord, I know that tonight I have almost died… I trust You for a miracle."

How is it that I was not afraid? I’m not exactly sure, because it freaks me out now... all I can think is that this must be the peace that surpasses all understanding that only God can give (Philippians 4:7). Supernatural is the only word to describe it, and supernatural is what I had prayed and asked for.

The next thing I can remember is waking up in the ICU. There were drips, drains and machines everywhere and oxygen pipes in my nose. There were three of these drips in my arms, one in my neck, a catheter and a drain…  I was sore everywhere.  I had received 5 blood transfusions, life-saving blood that had saved me from bleeding to death.   I had lost 4 of the 5 litres of blood in my body, and an emergency hysterectomy had to be performed.  When I woke up, the doctors told me the news, they were words that broke my heart… "we had to remove your uterus to stop the bleeding and save your life."

My heart was broken for what could have been, but I was alive, and it is an absolute miracle that I didn’t die that night. The average person can survive a blood loss of 25%. Blood loss of 40% or more, would result in the average person going into organ failure and dying  http://lifeinthefastlane.com/ccc/major-haemorrhage-in-trauma/ 

I had lost 80% of my blood…80%!  

It is only by His mercy and a miracle that I am still alive today, with no organ damage. Yes, it seems impossible and unreal, but here I am living proof. Doctors and nurses could not believe that I had survived, and I was the talk of the Durbanville Medi Clinic for the next few days.

I was in ICU for 3 days, I breastfed and did skin on skin with little Quade as often as I could.  I made a decision to breastfeed despite the challenges.  I had breastfed my other two children and wanted the health benefits and bonding experience with Quade too. The hospital staff were so helpful and accommodating. They helped me change Quade’s nappies and bath him, and when I needed sleep they would take him back to the maternity ward. I was unable to walk until day five, so their help was so appreciated.

So what actually happened after the birth, and why did I bleed out like that? The answer, I had undiagnosed placenta accreta (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/placenta-accreta/basics/definition/con-20035437 ).  

It was severe, and so I would have lost my womb regardless of how I gave birth. The complications of my birth were unrelated to how I gave birth. Natural birth was not the reason for placenta accreta, but as a result of my previous c sections. This was the reason for my placenta growing into my uterus and then causing it to turn inside out like a sock after I gave birth. The body then tried to reject the placenta and this caused the heavy bleeding. Placenta accreta affects 1in 533 women… and I was one of them.

When I went for my check-up two weeks after the birth, the Dr showed me the pathology report on my uterus. Not only did I have placenta accreta, but also a condition called adenomyosis (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adenomyosis/basics/definition/con-20024740).  This is very difficult to diagnose and is only really diagnosed after a hysterectomy. Adenomyosis makes it very difficult, if not impossible to conceive, and in the unlikely event of conceiving, a miscarriage is highly probable. Our little miracle was conceived against the odds, and God’s hand of protection carried him to full term. His life is a miracle, and the fact that I didn’t die is an absolute miracle too. Was anyone to blame for not diagnosing the placenta accreta? No. it is very difficult to detect and only an MRI scan that costs around R6000 can detect it. It is not a routine test done in pregnancy as it affects so few women.

I know and believe, without a doubt in my mind, that the hours I spent in prayer for the pregnancy and birth, and the many prayers of my prayer warriors, both throughout the pregnancy and when fighting for my life, are what kept Quade safe and me alive. The Lord hears the prayers of His people (Proverbs 15:29), He heard our prayers and He made miracles happen.

   

(Above: Friends praying at all hours of the early morning. Note how they support one another!)

• Miracles, like Quade being kept from being born at home. Saving me, from what would have been certain death.
• Miracles, like my doctor being there in my hour of need with his vast experience and a softened heart.
• Miracles, like me realizing in spite of the mental and physical state I was in, that the staff thought I was Ashley, and almost gave me the wrong blood.
• Miracles, like losing 80% of my blood and still being alive without any organ damage.
• Miracles, like ensuring the the provision of enough blood to be available that night.  I was later told by a nurse that there is a huge blood shortage in our country, and sometimes the hospital hasn’t got enough blood or has to wait a day before blood arrives.
• Miracles, like my breast milk, actually coming in at all, especially after the severe stress and trauma that my body went through.
• And the miracle of life and a second chance.

How did all these miracles happen? Only God could’ve done it! I am truly grateful for all these miracles, even though it still hurts… both physically and emotionally.

Looking back now, I had faith to move mountains, so then why did this happen? I had so much faith, I labored for 51 hours without giving up!  So then why did all this happen, why did I lose my womb when I still wanted more children? Why did God allow me to almost die from complications after childbirth? Why... because we are not to lean on our own understanding, this was His will.  Everything that happened, happened just as He had planned, and no matter how much faith I ever have or don't have, if something is not God’s will, then it won’t be. God is not a genie in a bottle. God does not serve us, but we serve Him.

God kept Quade from being delivered at home if He hadn’t … I would have bled to death. God didn’t take the desire to have natural birth away from me, because now in hindsight, I can see I was going to lose my womb regardless, yet He still blessed me with the birth that I desired.

God allowed me to lose my womb and almost die, and although I don't know why, I do know that I can and do trust His plan for my life.  I also know that I have a voice and a story, and I will tell all who will listen about how He saved my life and gave me another chance to glorify Him. God is not done with me yet.

Recovery has been hard and painful. Physical pain, from an episiotomy and a hysterectomy. Sore nipples from a hungry baby and a slow milk supply, all due to the trauma my body went through. Then, of course, there is the emotional trauma, of almost dying and leaving my husband without a wife, and my children without a mother. And tissues and tears and a face puffed up like a punching bag, mourning for my womb. Mourning for a child I still dream of having. Mourning the sad story, of my sad womb.  Poor little womb, now incarcerated medical waste. 

Two weeks later, still reeling from all that had happened,  my episiotomy became infected. I was in so much pain I literally cried. My episiotomy stitches tore because the tissue was damaged from when the doctor had to use his fist to get my uterus back into place after the birth. I’m not going to pretend that I’m not hurting, because I am. My heart is raw and I have had to let go of my dream, let go of my ideal, my plan... And surrender to whatever God wants for my life. I suppose this is the realness of what is meant by dying to self (Matthew 16:24)

I don’t have it altogether, but I know, without a doubt in my mind, that God will put the pieces back together...(Romans 8:28),  I am safe in His mighty hands. My husband almost lost his wife, and my children almost had to go through life without a mother, and it’s a big and uncomfortable pill to swallow, but a good reality check too. A near-death experience has an amazing way of putting things into perspective.

To all the mothers reading this I want to say this to you; you are worth far more than rubies or gold, you are invaluable to your family. No one can replace you, not a teacher, a friend, a nanny or Aupair, a chef, or a nurse, a driver, psychologist or personal shopper… can ever fill the void a mother leaves when she is absent. Ask anyone who has had to grow up without a mother and you will know just how valuable a mother and wife is to her family. Ladies, do not underestimate your colossal importance, and the enormous importance of our task and calling as mothers… to raise up the next generation for the Kingdom.

Do I have any regrets? About the birth… no. I could run through fifty different scenarios of “what if” but, I have to embrace all that has happened as part of my story, part of His story for my life.

The only regret that I do have is that before the night I almost died, I didn’t let me husband and children know, without a doubt, over and over and over, that I love them, adore them, cherish them more than anything on this earth. Yeah, sure as mothers we tell our families that we love them each day… but do they FEEL loved, do they know without a doubt that they are so deeply and passionately loved??? 

Because in those moments, when the doctors were fighting for my life, my family were the only ones I thought of, and nothing else. They are my joy and they are my treasure and they are my tribe, my wolf pack, I love the hell out of them.

And from now on, every day for the rest of my life, I will love the hell out of my life and be so thankful for another day on this earth to spend with the ones I love. I will be the happiest person I know because God has given me another chance at life and to love more, give more, serve more.

Because one day when my time does come and I die, this is how I want to be remembered.

A special thank you, to my amazing husband, my rock, my pillar of strength.

THANK YOU to my friend and doula Vania Truter and birth photographer and friend, Amy Green. Thank you to the prayer warriors on my WhatsApp group who fought for me in prayer, and all those that I don’t even know, who prayed for me, on that night I almost died.