A Letter To My Aborted Baby Girl:

Today is the anniversary of your death.
It has been thirteen years since I made the decision to end your life.
Thirteen years since I sacrificed your precious and innocent life for my own convenience.

I only heard the sound of your heart beat once and I remember not liking the song you sang to me. Your existence mocked me for my sins. You were the consequence of my behavior.
In my mind you were not allowed to exist until I said so. 
At your first ultra sound I remember thinking, "Get it out. Get this thing out of me."
But when you died, something inside of me died too.

If only I had known that back then...

Words fail me to express the level of remorse I feel for failing you. I am truly so sorry and ask that you will forgive me for what I have done.
I failed to protect you. I failed to be a mother to you.
And despite how it looks, despite the fact that I payed someone to poison you and slowly rip your body apart and dispose of you, I really do love you. 
Ironic I know, that in the same sentence I apologize for murdering you then say that I love you.

If only I had known back then what I know now...

I am sorry that I took your chance to live away from you. I often wonder what you would have looked like. What weird and wonderful personality quirks could you have had?
You could have been anything you wanted to be in this life. You could have been an artist or a chef or a firefighter or a writer. You could have changed the world and gone to the moon and back if that is what you wanted to do. 

But I took that away from you…

And now the world shall have to be a little less colorful because you never had the chance to leave your footprint.

There is no excuse for what I did to you. There is simply no way to justify the crime I committed against you. Sure enough, I was afraid. And only fourteen years old. But that did not give me right to murder you and all that you could have been. 

A few years after I aborted you I tried to end my own life because I hated myself so much for what I had done. It was in this dark moment that God intervened and stopped me and saved my life. I went from being an atheist to a Christian in a second.
It took a few years of walking with the Lord before I completely forgave myself.
And then God put it on my heart to tell my story of what happened... of what I did to you.
And because I spoke out against abortion, three babies who were to be aborted, now live.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you came to birth, I consecrated you.” Jeremiah 1:5

Your death will never be in vain, and I will make it up to you by doing all that I can to prevent another mother from making the same mistake that I made. I will fight for you, until my very last breath, because every time I tell the world about you, I bring you back for just a few minutes. Your life, although short, will be a beacon of hope for many, and you are a legacy down here on earth. Until the day we meet in heaven, it is my promise to tell all who will listen about you and save as many babies as I can, because I believe that this is Gods will and plan for me.
I promise to tell your brother and sister the truth about you once they are old enough to understand.

And if ever the fact that I aborted you made you feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy or forgotten, know this:
You are loved, you are wanted and you can never be forgotten. 
I can never forget you and I can never stop loving you.

You are not my dark secret and I am not ashamed of you.
I am proud to have had you as my daughter for fourteen short weeks.
So honored to have carried you.
But so deeply sorry that I was not your mother.

I love you forever.

Your Mommy
Melissa Hertz

I Am Not Worthy

Lord Jesus: 
Its me again. I'm sorry to bug You … 

Third time today and its 11 am. 

Its just that this child you gave me is so unreasonable. I know he is only four, but when he  told me the lunch I made him tastes ''yuk" and refused to eat anything I lost my temper with him again. I really am sorry and really am trying to be a better person.

Forgive me Jesus, and help me because I lack the strength and the patience to live the way I desire to live for You. 

In Jesus name, Amen

I imagine God rolling His eyes and thinking, "This woman again, asking for grace again, for the same mistake." Thankfully, it is only in my imagination that God rolls His eyes at me and thankfully God is a God of grace and mercy. 

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

I mess up too often. And when I say I mess up I don't mean that I am the mastermind behind a bank robbery or that I plan to put arsenic in my mother-in-law's coffee. But sin is sin. Black is black and white is white. And then, thankfully, there are shades of grace through the blood of Jesus Christ. 

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace. Ephesians 1:7 

God knows my heart and God knows I try... 

I try so hard not to be angry

I try so hard not to judge when someone does something that I don't understand or agree with. I try so hard not to shout at the car in front of me that's driving 40 kilometers an hour in the fast lane on the highway when I am running late. I fall into the traps that the enemy has set, and I have to ask for forgiveness for the same sins. And I find myself asking God WHY He would instruct or even allow a species as flawed and corrupt as humans to carry His precious name, cast out demons in His name, and ask for anything in His name.

You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. John 14:14

I am not worthy to carry the Gospel. I am not pure enough. I am not Holy enough. I almost feel I insult my King when I call myself a Christian because it is such an audacity to label myself with such honor. The truth is, Jesus is the only worthy of carrying the Gospel, yet He carried the sins of the world.

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness...” 1 Peter 2:24a 

He instructed us the go out and go make disciples, knowing that we are so far from perfect. And although we will never be good enough for God, and although we are not saved through works but through faith in grace, we should not be passive, we should be proactive and go out and change the world with the love of Jesus. Because in doing so we are being obedient.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8, 9 

I am too flawed and small to comprehend the 

magnitude of His goodness and grace

But then a little voice from inside whispers and I feel at peace. 
It's the quiet voice that says, "I love you child." 
It's the quiet voice that says, "Through my blood you are righteous."

And then I lift my head, tie my shoes and I am His disciple.
Not worthy but worthy enough to die for.
Not holy, but holy enough to be in His presence.
Not anything at all, but through Him, all things, and able to do all things.

Because in these moments of weakness God is my source of strength. 
When I am weak, I am strong. He is everything I need.
And I, well, I am not worthy.