My husband was 25 and I was 18 when we got married. In today's time that is young to marry because many people first want to be secure in their job and complete their studies before tying the knot. And I get that.
I will admit that marrying young meant that we were really poor for the first two or three years, but there was something special about eating scrambled eggs for dinner most nights and counting our pennies that made us grow closer together... we shared that difficult time, and we shared it together.
There are pros and cons to marrying young as well as pros and cons to marrying later in life. Marrying young did not mean the end of my freedom because we did life together.
It meant that I got to do life freely with someone by my side.
2. Your partner is not meant to complete you...
If you think that marrying your best friend is going to complete you and make you happy for the rest of your life, think again. No person, or amount of people could ever possibly fill the hole in our hearts because it was put there by God to only ever be filled by God. Only He can complete us because He is the missing puzzle piece, and until we seek Him, find Him and are filled with Him, we will not be complete. People will unfortunately all eventually disappoint us because we are flawed in our nature.
3. Date nights/days day needs to be a priority...
Dear husband, date your wife, buy her sexy underwear and perfume and chocolates and not only on Valentines day!
Dear wife, wear the sexy underwear and flirt with your man!
And if date nights are too hectic take a date day and go for a hike and explore, without the kids and try not to talk about the kids either.
Make your partner feel special and desired and keep the spark alive and have fun!
4. Affection breeds affection
Did you know that in the first two years of being in love the love horemone oxyticin is at its highest?
As time passes oxytocin lessens and this is often when people say they no longer "feel" in love. It is usually at this point where many couples decide to separate as they don't feel "in love" any more and therefore think something is wrong. Nothing is wrong and this is totally normal! The good news is that sex, cuddling and eye contact all increase the oxytocin levels in the brain, so the more you kiss and cuddle, the more you will want to kiss and cuddle.
Love moves from being "in love" to a deeper, more unconditional love and becomes a choice and so much more than just a feeling.
5. Friendships and relationships with your family change.
And that's okay. They are meant to.
My high school friendships changed when I married my husband because, well, I was no longer in high school. My relationships with my family changed slightly,because marrying my husband meant that he became my family. I do believe that your spouse is meant to come before friends on the priority list and any friendship that is not good for your marriage needs to end as unfortunately friends come and go and friendships are sometimes only for a season, marriage is a life time.
Matthew 19;5-6
'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
This is probably the most popular phrase I have heard people mutter about why they are no longer in a relationship with someone. And yes it is true, people do change. But we are humans and not rocks, so we are constantly changing and adapting, learning and growing, and thank God for that or life would be so boring! I am absolutely not the person that I was 10 years ago, neither is Ashley the person now who was once was....
We have grown up together and what a relief that is!
The mission: To grow together and not apart.
7.God needs to be the centre of the marriage...
It is easy to become so completely consumed with our spouse and put God second, maybe even third on the list. But the closer we move to God the closer we move to our spouse.
I need to ask myself constantly, what would Christ do in this situation and how would He react in this situation? I need to forgive and love my husband for all his mistakes and have grace with him, the same way that Christ has grace with me. The relationship between husband and wife has given me a deeper understanding of how Christ loves the Church.
So your wife bought the wrong toilet paper and your husband forgot the gate open after he left for work. Is it really worth fighting about? We all make mistakes and are only human!
Choose your battles and realize that being right is not the most important thing in the world.
Choose your battles and realize that being right is not the most important thing in the world.
8. Children simply cannot be the centre of a marriage.
In fact having a baby will be a huge stressor to a marriage that is already having troubles.
Add different opinions, ideas and convictions regarding child rearing, discipline and education, and throw some blurred parental roles and expectations to the mix and things can get complicated and messy.
And yes a bundle of joy is a huge blessing, but a bundle of joy shouldn't be used to "glue' and mend holes in a relationship. That is just way to much pressure for a bundle of joy.
Marry someone who you can be yourself with and who won't try to mould you into their idea of who you should be. Your spouse should be your mentor and person you look up to, but God created you to be you, with all the quirks in between, and we should find our identity in Christ. I have seen men take scripture about female submission in the Bible and use it to manipulate women and control them, and strip them of all identity. Your spouse should encourage you to be the best version of you without changing the essence of who you are. This of course does not mean that you can use your flaws as an excuse to behave badly!
And don't only go when you are having problems.
I am a huge fan of counselling and seeing a psychologist as I see it as a tool for helping me become a better version of myself. My psychologist is a Christian lady (I do feel it is very important to see a believer as the advice/methods will be from a Christian world view) and I am unashamed to admit that I see a therapist now and then. There is such a negative stigma attached to seeing a psychologist....
It does not mean that I am crazy or that Jesus did not heal my heart properly!
Psychotheraphy has helped me understand myself and others so much better and I find it to be so empowering to go and speak to someone!
We recently saw our psychologist for trauma counselling after the traumatic experience after the birth of our son and it helped me so much to "process" my emotions with someone professional in a "safe" environment.
Our psychologist taught us how to communicate effectively and I love going to see her and insist that my husband and I should see her for follow ups once a year, just to talk and process and reflect.
Don't talk about your marriage problems to your friends or family or complain about your spouse (rather see a counsellor or speak to your pastor) because it is easy for you to forgive and forget the mistakes your partner makes, but over time your friends and family will dislike your spouse and lose respect for him/her and this too will cause them to give biased advice that may not be healthy for your marriage.
And anyways, its not right to discuss and gossip and complain about our spouses, I would be very hurt if i found out that my husband was complaining about me to his golf buddies!
11. Marriage is hard work. And if it is not hard work then you are doing it wrong.
It requires constant sacrifice, for the other person to be comfortable and feel loved and supported and encouraged, and requires putting someone else's wants and needs before your own...Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you must be a slave with no dignity.
Clear boundaries and respect and consideration for your partner need to be a healthy balance. And it works both ways of course. We do not have a perfect marriage, and do not have a perfect family, but hey, its those quirks that makes us who we are: The unconventional, quirky, colorful and very very noisy, happy Hertz family!
What lessons have you learnt about marriage? I would love to hear your experiences and thoughts!
