I do not know who you are or how you got to this place of contemplating aborting your baby but please hear my story so that you can make an informed decision.
I was 14 years old but behaved like a 19 year old, doing things and going places that were not legal yet, and if my mother tried to stop me I would run away from home. I was an angry teenager acting out because I was sexually abused as a child and acting out because my father walked out on us. I was angry and out of control.
I began to notice that I was gaining weight on my stomach and wondered if I could be pregnant but reasoned that it would never happen to me.
I didn't want a baby so therefore, in my mind, I would not have a baby or become pregnant until I wanted to.
Nonetheless I took a pregnancy test and was shocked to learn that I was pregnant.
My boyfriend at the time (lets call him David) and I decided that we were both too young to become parents. He wanted to finish school, and I was convinced that I would be the worst mother on earth as I could hardly take care of myself, never mind a baby.
Neither of our families were financially well off, and my mother was a single mother so I reasoned that aborting my baby would be the best solution because neither of our families could afford a baby.
I made sure not to tell any of my friends so that no one would be able to talk me out of it.
On the day of my abortion I bunked school and my boyfriend had a motorbike to drive us to the clinic.
We arrived early, just after 8am, and I filled in the paper work. I used an alias name, the nurses didn't even ask for an I.D. An ultrasound was done to confirm the pregnancy and to see how far along I was. I was 14 weeks along. I remember seeing the little jellybean on the screen and hearing the heart beat. I remember thinking, "Get it out, just get this thing out of me!"
Next, the nurse took me to the next room and crushed up two tablets and stuck them deep inside of me. She explained that I would experience some cramping, and that we had to wait a few hours until the fetal tissue was ready to be removed. She never once called my baby a baby and when I asked her if the fetus would feel anything she told me that it would not because it wasn't fully developed yet.
So David and I went to the nearest shopping centre and walked around and had a milkshake while we waited for our baby to die. I had a few cramps but was convinced that I was doing the right thing. After all, this baby would be better off without me.
At midday we went back to the abortion clinic and I was given a hospital gown to change into. There were other women in the waiting room dressed in hospital gowns too, all lined up for there 'procedure', as the nurses called it.
One by one they went in, and all came out crying. No one said a word or comforted one another. Then it was my turn to go in.
Up until then I had managed to keep my head high and face brave, but when I lay on that bed and the next ultrasound was done, I started crying hysterically. It hit me. The reality of killing my own child hit me and it was too late to do anything about it.
I saw the jelly bean again on the screen but this time there was no heart beat, just silence.
My feet were put up in stirrups and the abortionist took a long needle and stuck it deep inside of me. The pain was overwhelming and I kicked at him and resisted and closed my legs. Angrily he said, "Do you want to die? If I don't suck her out you will die!" Her. It was a girl. "What other options do I have?" I asked. "You could go to the hospital but then your family will find out and I am guessing that you don't want that."
I opened my legs again and let him continue as hot tears streamed down my face.
I listened as the fetus was sucked out and heard the sound of the parts falling into the red waste bad that said "Human Waste.'' It sounded like mud being thrown onto a plastic bag.
I went back to the waiting room where the other women and girls sat but warm blood started streaming down my legs and the pain was unbearable. A nurse put a linen saver under my bum and I sat there, bleeding and cramping and weeping and feeling like the worst person on earth.
After the abortion I really struggled. I became so depressed that I wanted to sleep all day. I cried so much and it was all too much for David to handle.
We broke up shortly after.
I met my husband and fell madly in love and married him when I was 19 and had my daughter when I was 20. When I held my daughter in my arms for the first time the guilt came back to haunt me. I was holding a baby. A baby. Like the one I disposed of.
I was diagnosed with post natal depression and put on medication but the guilt and dark thoughts never left me. I decided that the right thing for me to do was to commit suicide... my daughter deserved a better mother and my husband a better wife so it was the right thing to do. I would be doing them a favor.
So I wrote my suicide notes and wrote the hardest letter I have ever had to write, to my daughter....explaining why it would be better if i didn't stick around.
God knows I was going to do it. I had made up my mind that I was going to do it.
But in my dark moment of extreme desperation I called out to God and said "If you are real, please.... NOW would be a good time to reveal it!"
God revealed Himself to me and for the first time in my life I felt a supernatural peace that cannot be explained. Up until that point I had always felt so uneasy, so on edge, but that night I experienced peace.
A friend who had been praying for me had given me a Bible and I stared reading it and as I asked questions in my mind the answers were appearing on the page! It was like I was having a conversation with God. Sounds crazy I know but this was my experience and it has changed me on such a deep level. I made the decision to become a Christian and asked God to help me live as I was not strong enough enough to do it alone.
I know what it feels like to be weak.
I know what it is like to feel so deadly alone and afraid.
I know what it is like to have no hope.
I have been there. I have experienced the overwhelming reality of being in a crisis pregnancy. I have suffered the loss of losing a baby girl to abortion to the point where I almost killed myself just to end the pain.
Abortion is not a quick fix. There is no quick fix once you are in a crisis pregnancy. The other roads and the other options will also have challenges but ask yourself this, what will you regret more? Abortion? Or choosing life for your baby?
There are many crisis pregnancy centers in our country but sadly girls and women do not know their options. Abortion is widely marketed as being a cheap, painless and easy procedure. Believe me, abortion is not cheap- it costs a life. Abortion is not painless and abortion is definitely not easy.
Please do your research before making the most difficult decision you may have to make in your life.
http://melissa-story.cvafr.com
