A Letter To My Aborted Baby Girl:
Today is the anniversary of your death.
It has been thirteen years since I made the decision to end your life.
Thirteen years since I sacrificed your precious and innocent life for my own convenience.
I only heard the sound of your heart beat once and I remember not liking the song you sang to me. Your existence mocked me for my sins. You were the consequence of my behavior.
In my mind you were not allowed to exist until I said so.
At your first ultra sound I remember thinking, "Get it out. Get this thing out of me."
But when you died, something inside of me died too.
If only I had known that back then...
I failed to protect you. I failed to be a mother to you.
And despite how it looks, despite the fact that I payed someone to poison you and slowly rip your body apart and dispose of you, I really do love you.
Ironic I know, that in the same sentence I apologize for murdering you then say that I love you.
If only I had known back then what I know now...
I am sorry that I took your chance to live away from you. I often wonder what you would have looked like. What weird and wonderful personality quirks could you have had?
You could have been anything you wanted to be in this life. You could have been an artist or a chef or a firefighter or a writer. You could have changed the world and gone to the moon and back if that is what you wanted to do.
But I took that away from you…
And now the world shall have to be a little less colorful because you never had the chance to leave your footprint.
There is no excuse for what I did to you. There is simply no way to justify the crime I committed against you. Sure enough, I was afraid. And only fourteen years old. But that did not give me right to murder you and all that you could have been.
A few years after I aborted you I tried to end my own life because I hated myself so much for what I had done. It was in this dark moment that God intervened and stopped me and saved my life. I went from being an atheist to a Christian in a second.
It took a few years of walking with the Lord before I completely forgave myself.
And then God put it on my heart to tell my story of what happened... of what I did to you.
And because I spoke out against abortion, three babies who were to be aborted, now live.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you came to birth, I consecrated you.” Jeremiah 1:5
Your death will never be in vain, and I will make it up to you by doing all that I can to prevent another mother from making the same mistake that I made. I will fight for you, until my very last breath, because every time I tell the world about you, I bring you back for just a few minutes. Your life, although short, will be a beacon of hope for many, and you are a legacy down here on earth. Until the day we meet in heaven, it is my promise to tell all who will listen about you and save as many babies as I can, because I believe that this is Gods will and plan for me.
I promise to tell your brother and sister the truth about you once they are old enough to understand.
And if ever the fact that I aborted you made you feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy or forgotten, know this:
You are loved, you are wanted and you can never be forgotten.
I can never forget you and I can never stop loving you.
You are not my dark secret and I am not ashamed of you.
I am proud to have had you as my daughter for fourteen short weeks.
So honored to have carried you.
But so deeply sorry that I was not your mother.
I love you forever.
Your Mommy
Melissa Hertz
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